“Cool” by the Jonas Brothers

I didn’t really think we needed a Jonas Brothers reunion, and the quality of their new material seems to be bearing out that point of view, to the point where even most of the people who were initially excited by the idea are now cringing at the prospect of their new album.

Their first and more successful post-reunion single, “Sucker”, bore the same painful resemblance to the dreadful late-career work of Maroon 5 that Joe Jonas’ solo hit “Cake By the Ocean” did, but their followup single makes it look like a masterpiece by comparison. This is, quite simply, the single most laughably unconvincing boast track I have ever heard in my life.

People have compared it to a Train song, and it certainly has enough bizarre lyrical choices to be one, referencing everything from Game of Thrones to movie stars from two generations ago. That said, Train’s output was usually creative and quirky enough to at least have an amusing side to its awfulness. By contrast, hearing a superannuated boy-band whose idea of wit is “When I grow up, I wanna be just like me” confidently proclaim how “cool” they are isn’t funny at all…it’s just sad.

Verdict: Almost indescribably bad, and already a serious contender for Worst Song of 2019.

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